The Helpless Hobo
by theguywhohasaname
Summary: The gundam pilots, and Quatre's grandmother Rhonda, are stranded on an island inhabited by hobos and must go on a quest to save them from certain doom!
1. Enter The Hobos

*ahem* *coughcough* Okay, then... I'm sitting here at my computer, about to write what could possbibly be the strangest thing I've ever written. Of course, I can't credit it all to me. My friend Jason has helped me to create this... This... This thing. It's going to be a series, eventually. BTW, Jason is straight, the homosexual content was my idea. Here 'tis....  
  
The Helpless Hobo  
  
Episode 1: Enter The Hobos  
  
  
  
Quatre stared at the letter he had pulled from its envelope, a look of horror on his face. The blonde boy ran from the room, up a flight of stairs, and into the bedroom that he and Trowa shared. "Trowa!" the terrified gundam pilot shouted. "Huh? What is it, Quatre?" Trowa responded. "I-It's horrible! It's awful! It's..." Quatre stopped talking as his tears ovewhelmed him. "Is Treize back? Has Maremaia rebuilt some mobile suits in an attempt to take over the world? What's wrong??"  
  
Quatre stopped sobbing long enough to tell Trowa about the letter. "It's even worse than all that... By the way, you do know Treize is alive, don't you? Anyways... My grandmother is coming to stay with me for two weeks!" Trowa staredat the smaller pilot for a time, and then asked "What's so bad about that?" "That means we can't sleep together for two whole weeks! She doesn't know... Um... You know... That I'm gay..."  
  
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Quatre fearfully glanced downstairs. "It's her..." He whispered. Trowa sighed and walked downstairs to greet Quatre's grandmother. He opened the door, and saw a silver-haired woman of about 80 standing on the other side. She was about a foot shorter than Trowa, she was a very rotund woman as Trowa could plainly see, she wore purple eyeshadow, green eyeliner, bright red lipstick, about 12 pounds of other various makeup, and she was dressed in a green and black dress.  
  
"Uh... Hello... Um... Mrs. Winner..." Trowa muttered, shocked by the womans strange appearance. "Hey there, sweety, pack yer bags, we're goin' on a trip!" Trowa just continued to stare at Quatre's grandmother, until Quatre came downstairs and tapped his shoulder. "Quatre? Uh... She wants us to go on a trip with her..." Quatre's face took on a look of horror never before imaginable. "NO!" Quatre shouted. "Not another trip!" Quatre's grandmother, who introduced herself as Rhonda, laughed evilly and grabbed ahold of the two boys by their arms and said "let's go!"  
  
Quatre pulled back and said "wait! At least let me get the others first!" Quatre ran back upstairs to alert the other three pilots, who were staying with Quatre and Trowa for some unknown reason. Duo, Heero and Wufei quickly packed some necessary clothing and other objects, and then Rhonda ushered them out the door. Rhonda pointed at her private jet, which was parked on Quatre and Trowa's front lawn. "Hurry!" She yelled, and everyone quickly boarded the jet. Rhonda ran to the front of the jet and started it up. "We must travel where no sane person has ever gone before... Tonight, we fly to... The island of Jurassic Park!"  
  
It was a long flight... But after several hours, Rhonda announced that they were completely and hopelessly lost. "What??? We're lost? But... We can't be lost!" Duo complained. "Now, now, it isn't all that bad..." Rhonda attempted to console him. "As long as we don't hit that strange island up ahead, we'll be fine. And we have plenty of fuel, so that shouldn't ha-" A computerized voice rang out from the front of the jet "Out of fuel. Out of fuel. Out of fuel." *CRASH*  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	2. The Helpless Hobo

Okay, yeah, this thing has turned out to be pretty weird already... But hopefully it'll also be pretty good. So, here comes chapter two!  
  
The Helpless Hobo  
  
Episode 2: The Helpless Hobo  
  
  
  
Rhonda awoke from her state of unconciousness and looked around. "Wha... What's going on? Where are we? OH MY GOD! MY MAKEUP! IT'S RUINED!" Then Rhonda began running around the cockpit, screaming at the top of her lungs about her ruined makeup. The gundam pilots quickly woke up. "Where are we? And why are you screaming?" "MY MAKEUP'S COMPLETELY RUINED!" Rhonda yelled, and then she pressed a button labelled 'emergency' on one of the computers. A machine lowered from the ceiling of the cockpit and touched up her makeup. "Phew... All better..." She said with a smile. "Now, as for where we are, I have no idea."  
  
The gundam pilots, and Rhonda, filed out of Rhonda's private jet and tried to figure out where they had crash-landed. "Well, it's fairly obvious that we crashed into that big island we saw when I said we were lost." Rhonda began. "The island didn't look familiar, and as I said, we were lost, so I can't check a specific area on the map and see where we are... So all we can really do is look around for some sign of civilization, and just play it by ear from now on." The gundam pilots, and Rhonda, sat around on the empty beach where they had crash-landed, looking rather glum and hopeless, for quite some time before anyone spoke.  
  
"I wonder what time it is... Judging by the level of darkness, I'd say it must be around Midnight or so." Wufei finally said. "If I'm right about that, we were unconcious for 7 hours." "Yeah, so? Knowing what time it is and how long we were unconcious wont help us get off this island." Duo muttered. "Well, neither is sitting around wishing we weren't here, you know." Quatre pointed out. "Quatre's got a point, maybe we should do what Rhonda said and at least TRY to find something to help us out." Trowa added.  
  
"Alright! Everybody ready? C'mon!" Rhonda cheerfully shouted after everyone had salvaged everything useful from the wrecked aircraft. "How can she be so happy about all this?" Duo muttered, astonished by the womans enthusiasm. "Aw, come on, we might not be in the best of situations, but we can still have fun! Lighten up a bit! If we're all miserable, it'll make it that much more unpleasant. We can be depressed and miserable, or we can try and make something out of this. It's an adventure!" Rhonda replied with a smile.  
  
Duo sighed and shook his head a bit. "I hate to say it, but I guess you're right. So, we're stranded on an island, we have no idea where we are, if there is any life here, or how we'll get back... But... Oh, wait, what's the good part?" Duo blushed slightly and shot a grin Heero's way. "Never mind, I just thought of one..." A few minutes into the hike, they had crossed the sands of the beach and entered the dense forest making up at least half of the island. "I'm hungry..." Duo said as they passed by a fruit-bearing bush of some sort. "No time to stop and eat now, Duo, if... Well, actually, I'm a bit hungry too. Those berries look safe, so I suppose we can stop to eat." Rhonda said, and the group began picking berries.  
  
"Those berries are good... And, surprisingly enough, pretty filling." Quatre sighed as he stared at the berry bushes. "I don't think I could eat another bite..." Trowa sat down next to Quatre and glanced over at Rhonda. "Me neither... But, uh... I'm thirsty now. Yeah, that's it. Rhonda? Do you think there might be a stream or river or something nearby?" Trowa asked, forcing back a grin. "Well, I suppose there just might be. I'll go take a look!" Rhonda cheerfully replied, and wandered off in search of water. "Now that she's gone..." Trowa grinned, and then kissed Quatre. "Don't you think you could tell her now? What's the worst that could happen? Besides, it's just the six of us, stranded on an island for who knows how long... I don't think I can go too long without..." Rhonda jumped back into the small clearing.  
  
"Eveybody hide!" She hissed, and the gundam pilots all got as low to the gound as they could and remained completely quiet. A few minutes went, by, and Rhonda motioned for them to all get up and move closer to her. "Somebody else is out there, following us. I saw a man dressed in rags and an old top hat of some kind standing back the way we came, just a few yards away, staring towards this clearing." She whispered, just loud enough for the gundam pilots to hear her. "Someone else is on the island?" Trowa asked. "Yes... But we don't know who he is, what his motives are... Or anything about him at all!"  
  
Rhonda glanced around. "Maybe he's gone now... And even if he isn't, it'd be best to keep moving. So we should probably start walking again." Everyone picked up their belongings and silently continued their journey. For some reason, not long after they resumed walking, Trowa had a sudden urge to look over his shoulder. He did so, and saw a man dressed in rags and an odd looking tophat, staring right back at him. "He's still following us!" Trowa whispered to the others, and they sped up slightly. Every once in a while, someone would look over their shoulder, and when they did, they saw the same man standing several yards behind them, staring at them unmovingly.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	3. See no Hobo, Speak no Hobo, Fear no Hobo

Wooooooo... Getting pretty freaky, eh? *grins* Well, why stop with episode 2, on with the third!  
  
The Helpless Hobo  
  
Episode 3: See no Hobo, Speak no Hobo, Fear no Hobo  
  
The group continued walking through the forest, walking as fast as they could without unning, and yet the man from before was always the same distance away from them, and nobody ever actually saw him move... "We'd better find somewhere safe soon, I'm starting to get tired..." Rhonda mumbled. "There." Heero pointed ahead of them, to a glowing, flickering light. "But is it safe? Or has that man been chasing us in this direction on purpose... Could it be a trap?" Wufei asked. "It's possible... But we have o idea what that man back there is capable of, and I'd rather fight in an open area then in a movement-limiting area such as this." Heero said, stepping over a log and into a much larger clearing than the one they had stopped in. Wufei was the last to enter the clearing, and before doing so, he looked over his shoulder one last time... But he didn't see the man who had been following them.  
  
"Wha..?" Trowa managed to utter after several minutes of silence had passed. The light they had seen was one of two burning torhes, on either side of a doorway in the center of a wall that seemed to stretch on for miles. "What's this place doing here? This wall looks primitive... And flimsy... It couldn't keep out a fly!" Duo snickered. "Do not go in there..." A voice from behind them said, and the five gundam pilots, and Rhonda, quickly turned around, ready for battle. They found themselves facing three men dressed in similar clothing as the one that had been following them, though these three men had long, gray hair and equally long and gray beards.  
  
"Who are you? What do you want?" Quatre asked, breaking the silence. "We are The Three Wise Hobos. I am The Blind Hobo..." The first hobo said. "I am the Deaf Hobo..." The second hobo introduced himself. "......................................." The third hobo finished. "Uh, he's The Mute Hobo. He can't say a thing..." The Blind Hobo explained. "Well... What are you doing here?" Wufei asked them. "We go where we are needed, and do what is necessary to help others... AAAAHHH!!!' The Blind Hobo shrieked, and began lurching towards the pilots.  
  
(Short chapter, I know, but it was necessary...)  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	4. Half-Eaten Hamburgers

Yeah, I know, it keeps getting weirder and weirder... Not my fault, really it isn't... *sniffles* Anyways, keep reading!  
  
The Helpless Hobo  
  
Episode 4: Half-Eaten Hamburgers  
  
"A HAMBURGER! And it's only half-eaten, too!" The Blind Hobo grinned happily as he walked towads the gundam pilots (and Rhonda). Heero looked around for a hamburger, and finally spotted one behind The Blind Hobo. "You're going in the wrong direction!" The Deaf Hobo shouted. "What? I am? Where is it, then?" The Blind Hobo asked. The Deaf Hobo didn't say anything until The Mute Hobo poked him and make several gestures with his hands. "Oh! It's behind you!" The Deaf Hobo yelled to The Blind Hobo. "Oh... Thanks..." The Blind Hobo happily responded, turning around and feeling around for the hamburger.  
  
"Ooh, it's even got pickles!" The Blind Hobo said as he found the half- eaten hamburger and took a bite out of it. "Ew..." Duo made a face as he watched The Blind Hobo eat the remains of the hamburger. "Heero...?" Duo said with an implying undetone. "Oh, right! Um... Mr. Blind Hobo? Do you know anything about the guy whos been following us?" Heero asked. "What? Oh... Hold on, let me eat in peace!" The Blind Hobo replied, taking another bite out of his hamburger. The pilots (and Rhonda) waited until the hobo had finished his meal, and then received the answer to their question.  
  
"The one who has been following you... He is known as The Helpless Hobo. He isn't harmful, so don't worry about him. In fact, none of the hobos around here would hurt another human being. Except The Evil Hobo, of course. He'll sneak up behind you and slit your throat with a broken piece of glass, if you aren't careful." The Blind Hobo muttered. "Other hoboes? How many of you are there?" Quatre asked. "This entire island is inhabited by hobos! This is Hobo Island! and behind that wall lies Hobo Hut, the gigantic cardboard box which is home to most of the hobos on this island."  
  
"Hobo Hut? Well, at least know I know why those walls are so weak..." Duo muttered under his breath. "Now, then... Where was I before you turned around... Right! *ahem* Do not go in there... If you enter Hobo Hut, you will have fated yourselves to go on a jouney of many perils, and recover the four sacred artifacts of the hobos... Upon doing so, if you survive, you must then fight a terrible battle that will decide the fate of the hobos! Your destiny awaits you on the other side of those walls, but it may be too great a burden for you to carry... Ooh, french fries!" The Mute Hobo sign-languaged "mine", and The Deaf Hobo shouted out "My french fries!" as he dove towards them.  
  
"Maybe... Uh... Maybe we should go now..." Towa suggested, looking rather disturbed. "Good idea..." Heero replied, and the gundam pilots (and Rhonda) turned around and headed for the gates to Hobo Hut.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	5. The Hobo's Hut

If anybody's still interested in reading more, here's chapter 5!  
  
The Helpless Hobo  
  
Episode 5: The Hobo's Hut  
  
As the gundam pilots (and Rhonda) neared the walls to the Hobo Hut, Quatre's nose began to tickle. Quatre wiggled his nose, hoping it would go away, but the tickling feeling only grew stronger, until finally Quatre sneezed. The pilots (and Rhonda) heard a creaking noise, and suddenly realised that Quatre's sneeze had caused the walls to Hobo Hut to begin to collapse. Moments later, the walls were down, and they were free to enter Hobo Hut.  
  
Everywhere they looked, there were hobos scavenging for food. Every once in a while, someone threw a glance over their shoulder, just in case The Three Wise Hobos had been right about The Evil Hobo. "Hmm... This looks like the kinda place ya could easily lose that new-makeup shine." Rhonda noted, and clutched her makeup bag tightly in her hand. "Where should we go now?" Wufei questioned. "Maybe they have some kind of leader or something?" Quatre asked. "If so, he'd probably have the largest house... Er... Box, wouldn't he?" Trowa suggested. "Maybe we should look for the best looking, largest cardboard box in the whole... Uh... Hut."  
  
The others decided that was a good idea, and so they began their search for the leader of the hobos. "Hey! Look over there!" Wufei said, pointing at a sign above one of the cardboard boxes. "'The Head Hobo.' You think that's him?" Wufei asked. "It must be. Let's go... Uh... Knock on the trashcan lid that seems to serve as a door..." Heero said. Rhonda, being the leader of the expedition, knocked on the door to The Head Hobo's home. "Yeeeeeeeeeees?" Inquired a voice from within. "We're here to see The Head Hobo... We've got to ask him a few things." Rhonda informed the man on the other side of the door.  
  
Once they were all inside, The Head Hobo invited them to join him in a circle around his burning trashcan. Er, his fireplace, that is. "Now, then... What do you want to know? And where'd you get such strange clothing?" The Head hobo quieried. "These clothes are normal, and we want to know how to get off this island!" Duo informed him. "Get off the island? I'm not even sure if such a thing is possible... If you want to know the answer to that question, you'd be better off asking the wisest of all hobos... The hobo of The Hills. By the way, that's a nice pair of shoes you've got there..." The Head Hobo noted, staring at the shoes Duo was wearing. "What?? You aren't getting my shoes!" The Head Hobo shrugged his shoulders, and muttered "It was worth a shot..."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


End file.
